In a moment of collective shock, people look for places to unload their stories and connect with others as a strategy to not hold their burden alone. You may be the recipient of stories like this during COVID-19 - the friend who stays on the phone longer or the stranger in the parking lot who lingers to talk. As you listen to others stories, notice that you may take on some of their stress, so it is important for you to keep releasing stress that you pick up from listening.
When I was in Ferguson, listening to unexpected stories became a daily activity. Once a young man hopped into my car on the way to a rally and said. “Man, this stuff is wild.” I was surprised to hear this on a calm day from a man who had been on the front lines of the Ferguson protests only a month prior. As I drove, I listened to the man share that his girlfriend was now pregnant and they were considering an abortion, and we spent the day going in an out of conversations about his feelings and options.
Two days later, another young man hops in the car. When I ask how are you, he responds “This is hard stuff. I didn’t think having kids would be so hard. And being at home without a job now, I’m with my girl all the time. Something’s got to change.”
This pattern of deep sharing is something that happens for people who are emerging from or in the midst of intense moments. In Ferguson, I saw this as people opened their lives up to me with ease, something that might take months or years if I was organizing in a different situation. However, listening to these stories daily months took a toll on me.
In high stress, people need place to vent with others who can hold their reality. In everyday life, this may be a best friend, a therapist, or a self-help group, but when the stress of the world ratchets up, then you may experience more people sharing with you than expected.
These moments can lead to secondary trauma, the trauma that stick with you after hearing about someone else traumatic experience. When you notice the secondary trauma then get ground to release the stress, these moments increase your capacity to hold strong emotions.
This type of sharing is usually unconscious, but it does reveal humans capacity to connect across great differences. When you're willing to stay present with people in intense moments, you will receive some of the best training for holding strong emotions. But unless you return to being grounded, these lessons will be hard to utilize when you’re in a meeting or more formal setting trying to hold the details of a stranger’s life.
So what do you do when you have been unexpectedly enlisted as listener and truth holder? Before you leave a conversation, get grounded and release together. Here’s a simple practice that you can use to help yourself and the other person.
Look at the person and take a deep breath. Feel the ground beneath your body, holding you up. As you breathe out, release the stressors into the earth. The earth can hold more than any one person, so with each breath out release the stress from the details of the stories you’ve heard, your past wounds that have been activated, and the lack of clarity about next steps.
With each breath in, feel the earth’s stability as it holds you and renews your spirit. Take as many breathes as you need to feel more grounded.
This is a practice to return to with another person or on your own. Comment below with the unexpected places you’ve been listening and holding space for others.