I grew up conflict-averse. Conflict was something dangerous, a place where you could get in trouble or get hurt. So I grew to avoid conflict.

As an adult, I’ve realized that ignoring a conflict just leads to the conflict growing. However when you face a conflict, it can be a generative process that supports growth, innovative idea development, and new connections.

How can you move from a place of conflict aversion to embracing conflict as helpful?

You need to start with the body.

When conflict rises up, your nervous system quickly reacts like it did to past conflicts. Those past fear-filled moments may not be happening in the present, but your nervous system doesn’t know that. Your body is responding to old information that conflict = pain.

I was coaching a CEO to face a conflict she had with an employee. She, like many people, wanted the conflict to disappear, but after months the conflict lingered to a point where it was inescapable. I helped her calm her nervous system so she could identify a strategy to move forward.

“Focus on your breath.
Feel your heartbeat.
Notice the air on your skin.
From this place, how do you see the conflict?
What do you wish would happen?”

The CEO accessed her compassion for herself and the employee. They both cared about the work, but the employee’s skills were not up for the task. This CEO and the employee had unrealistic expectations, so to honor herself and the employee, the CEO needed to say the uncomfortable truth and change the work plan.

Tapping into your senses when facing a conflict can calm your parasympathetic nervous system. This allows the fears to become a little smaller, and your attention to rise in the present moment. From this place you can make a wise choice about how to proceed.

When you practice calming outside of the heat of a conflict, you train your brain to be ok engaging in conflict. That’s how you start to see it as generative.

What’s one calming activity you might try today?