When you have something stable, you may end up playing small because that’s a way to survive. I too played small in jobs and relationships, but learned that playing small couldn't keep me safe. Playing big isn’t the final answer, being you is.
When I was working at Princeton University, I played the game: I dressed right, I met with the right people, and I learned to keep my mouth shut. Then after one national convening of colleagues, I became clear that I was done playing the game.
While at a national conference for LGBT leaders, I went out with some colleagues to the largest gay club in the midwest, the Gay Nineties. In line for the club, someone came up behind me. I had that feeling that something had shifted. So I looked back and saw someone in a trench coat. I thought, hmm that’s odd. Then the next time I looked back the coat was open and a gun was pointed at me.
I turned forward, and tried to act calm. As my pulse began to race, I ignored the person’s demands for my wallet while continuing through the security line. I luckily got through safely, but my professional colleagues first responses were to question me. “Did that really happen? Are you sure someone pulled a gun on you?” My mind was swirling by the time the first person asked, “Are you ok?” And I barely knew how to respond.
The next day, after some encouragement from my partner, I tried to organize a response through the right channels. I worked with with the conference organizer, a local anti-violence project leader, the police, and the club to create a coordinated response. But the key was I needed to stay quiet about my story. So I agreed.
But when it came time to put the plan into action, the conference organizer pulled out and everything fell apart. When I met with others later, I saw that she actively disrupted the plan to keep the status quo!
The day afterward, the conference organizer confirmed that she had made a different choice. I was shocked. Then realized, oh no. She’s playing the game. She’s playing small to keep things as they are. She has a stable job and good relationship with the clubs in this town, and she wants things to stay the same.
Playing small did not keep my safe. Instead it left me more vulnerable, because I was numbing my reactions and insights to survive. That’s when I took a risk and decided to stop playing small. So when I went back to my job, I started rocking the boat, which helped me and the people around me.
Now I aim to be right-sized in my actions in the world. When you play small, it’s hard to hear what you’re called to do in the world. So pick up and get ready to play right-sized. The world is ready for you.