Connect with nature to dissipate tension

When you’re grounded you can navigate difficult conversations and enter conflict with love. Challenging conversations can emerge unexpectedly, and you don’t have time to prepare. That’s when a connection with nature can help you feel grounded.

A conflict emerged as I was training a group of community-engaged artists. They were overwhelmed by the scale of our challenges - interracial disagreements that repeated patterns seen across generations. So I gave them a way to connect with nature, a force bigger than all of us. 

We were 4 floors above the city street, with no easy access to the cement sidewalks below, so I invited people to move to the windows and look out at the skyline. As people took in the sun, the people, the buildings, and the treetops, I reminded them that life continues outside this training room. Soon sunlight flooded the room, and people’s shoulders dropped as previous tension fled. 

Connecting with nature can give us a sense of the world beyond our immediate circumstances. Even through brick buildings and wood floors, we can connect with the earth. Buildings are part of the landscape, as the pines are part of the forest.

During tense meetings, virtual or in-person, invite people to connect with nature as a way to take a step back and get perspective. All you need is a window or the ground beneath your feet.

Listening for Common Ground

“Aghhh! Why can’t they just listen?!”  

When working with a rapidly growing organization, I found the leadership team in constant conflicts that interrupted their effectiveness. Numerous people would express frustration and follow it with their individual experience: 

“She didn’t set up the meeting agenda correctly, so people’s voices were silenced.” 
“He didn’t care enough to check with our opinions before moving forward.” 
“They are always demanding that we make space for more emotions, but this work is not therapy!”

Frustration often obscures a deeper issue, but until you tend to the primary process - the complaint people have on top - you won’t be able to engage what’s at the core.

With this leadership team I started with empathetic listening: mirroring their body language, repeating back what I heard, and acknowledging the emotional state people brought to our conversations. Then I noticed individuals pace of speech slow down, so I asking two questions to get toward the deeper issues: 

What excites you about working at this organization? 
How might this other person - however frustrating - be working toward these same means?  

As people answered my questions, they recognized their shared vision for working together. Soon they discovered a common thread - the fast pace of growth in the organization was disrupting ways people were used to communicating. With dozens of public hiring postings, the organization’s growth wasn’t going to stop. So we took a moment to grieve the closeness among staff that had shifted, and then built new expectations for communication.

This leadership team started to see that the people with whom they disagreed were working toward the same goal, and they were all feeling growing pains. However, recognizing growing pains energized them to remember their shared vision - growing the organization to serve the ever growing membership. 

When a conflict gets in the way of you working with a colleague, try to remember that you have a shared vision. You’re working toward something together. People will come with different tactics, which will frustrate you just because they are different. However when you can slow down to notice how these frustrating tactics might be supportive, you open yourself up to deeper collaboration. 

So for today, who’s someone you want to listen to a bit more deeply for opportunities to align?

Wholeness Alongside Rest

I forgot about the power of rest. Our bodies need time to rest and integrate. I preach the doctrine of rest as essential, but I too get caught up in over working. When I took my first vacation in over a year, poetry flowed freely. Here’s a piece where I shook off shrinking to find wholeness alongside rest.

“Morning”
Tossed as currency
Access peace here

A greeting
You are part of the club
They are safe

Card swiped
Accessed granted
Keep on walking

Until the next

“Morning”
Access granted
Keep on walking

They are ok,
But am I
At peace?

Pushing forward
A smile
A nod

“Morning”
Access granted
Keep it moving

As I crave
The silence
A moment alone

In trees
Birds call my name
I answer with footsteps

“On your left”

“Morning”
Access granted
Keep up pace

Until I reach
A destination
Designated
Designed for sharing

The surf claps
Ripples across the shimmering surface

Gnats
Bounce off my face
Titillating

“Morning”
Access granted
Keep quiet

They are talking
This was their beach
First
People’s names
As street signs

Head down
Patience
They will pass

Pray that the water
Hold my neck up
When the tide comes in
When the crowds return
When the surface is breached

Access card denied
No nod or smile forced
Freedom is here

Walk to the sun
Be at peace

There is not one way to be
A dark rock 
In light sand

Access granted
Peace buzzed in
Permission card shredded

Watching the ant crawl
Onto my leg 
Peace be with you
Peace be with me

A Spider drops 
Birds call our names
Access unlimited

Brown fungi
Pop up each morning
No one can push us back down

Deep change requires restoration

To engage in long term change work you need a practice of restoration. Restorative practices remind you of your inherent value. They help you notice your body and breathe in the moment, and allow you to act from a centered, wise place.

Boisterous laughter at youtube videos.
Setting a timer and letting yourself cry.
A morning meditation or yoga practice.
There is no one right way to restore yourself.
You just need to do it.

During the first months of the pandemic, I dove deep into work, stretching and growing, but by early 2021, I was energetically depleted. In the midst of collective trauma and loss, I had drifted away from my restorative practices, and in the process I lost my access to joy and genuine connection.

Committing to a restoration practice takes effort, and you will forget sometimes. But returning to your practice reinforces your integrity, which is necessary to connect across differences.

Now months later, I’ve slowly reintegrated restorative practices, and I’m honestly excited to wake up in the morning and move through my routine. I saw the results when a colleague said I did something wrong. 

The phrase “you did fill-in-the-blank wrong” can activate a childhood fear of punishment, which is especially harsh when it reinforces racial inferiority or superiority.  In the past, I’ve reacted to this statement with self-doubt, questions, and attempts to appease the critiquer. However this time I was filled by my restorative practices, so I paused, took a breath, and said thank you. End of story.

When you fill up your energy stores, you can make different decisions that respect you and the people you engage. So for today, what’s one restorative practice you want to try?

Increase your calm as conflict rises

I grew up conflict-averse. Conflict was something dangerous, a place where you could get in trouble or get hurt. So I grew to avoid conflict. 

As an adult, I’ve realized that ignoring a conflict just leads to the conflict growing. However when you face a conflict, it can be a generative process that supports growth, innovative idea development, and new connections. 

How can you move from a place of conflict aversion to embracing conflict as helpful?

You need to start with the body.

When conflict rises up, your nervous system quickly reacts like it did to past conflicts. Those past fear-filled moments may not be happening in the present, but your nervous system doesn’t know that. Your body is responding to old information that conflict = pain. 

I was coaching a CEO to face a conflict she had with an employee. She, like many people, wanted the conflict to disappear, but after months the conflict lingered to a point where it was inescapable. I helped her calm her nervous system so she could identify a strategy to move forward.

“Focus on your breath.
Feel your heartbeat.
Notice the air on your skin.
From this place, how do you see the conflict?
What do you wish would happen?”

The CEO accessed her compassion for herself and the employee. They both cared about the work, but the employee’s skills were not up for the task. This CEO and the employee had unrealistic expectations, so to honor herself and the employee, the CEO needed to say the uncomfortable truth and change the work plan.

Tapping into your senses when facing a conflict can calm your parasympathetic nervous system. This allows the fears to become a little smaller, and your attention to rise in the present moment. From this place you can make a wise choice about how to proceed.

When you practice calming outside of the heat of a conflict, you train your brain to be ok engaging in conflict. That’s how you start to see it as generative.

What’s one calming activity you might try today?

Conflict is the welcome mat for diversity

Conflict is gonna happen. You may not want it, especially if you were raised to be conflict averse, like me. However it’s necessary if we want to learn a new way of doing business.

“Rocking the boat” was to be avoided at all costs in my family. As African Americans, it was a survival strategy so we didn’t step out of line and get punished in school, or fired from work, or in a previous generation, lynched. This strategy worked toward our survival for generations, however, it’s time for a new strategy.

We live in a multiracial society. Our organizations and businesses are multiracial: even if there is only one Black person, it is no longer a white-only place. Now it’s our job to acknowledge the reality, and learn how to have something new happen in our environments.

When conflict shows up, you may clamp down to fix it immediately. However, when we come together it’s natural to have disagreements because we’re bringing our different experiences and expectations to the table. These differences can spark new ideas; one benefit that comes from a diverse environment. But you need to learn how to navigate those conflicts to use diversity to your advantage. 

I was working with a coalition of organizations from across a major U.S. city, when the struggles of being diverse hit us. The group was racially diverse, diverse in terms of class, and had a mix of staff and volunteers. Our first conflict came over raising hands!

When we first met, people shared their excitement while looking around the room. The group quickly developed a norm of raising hands - a behavior many people learned as the right way to communicate in a classroom. But then someone jumped in without raising their hand and I saw the hand raisers draw back in their seats. Tension rose as one white hand raiser said - “There’s someone across the room who is raising their hand.” I acknowledged that other person, and invited the person who jumped in to finish, leaving the tension in the room.

At the end of the night, I asked people to reflect on what happened - and one person pointed out the hand raising conflict. “I’m used to hand raising at work, but in my Latinx family, we just jump into conversation. And here we did both. That was so hard at first, but now I see that it’s giving us different ways to communicate. That there isn’t a right way to be.”

What followed was a discussion about how hand raising is often “the right way” to communicate in white, middle class culture. However, jumping in is often celebrated in communities of color. 

When welcoming diversity, notice your impulse as a leader to correct people to do “the right thing”, instead pause and ask what works about what’s happening now. That’s how we notice our default toward racism and instead choose anti-racism - bringing out the strengths of multiracial groups.

Loving Complexity

I don’t know her full story, and I love myself enough not to seek it out. Witnessing her in her human complexity, a white woman who survived through patriarchy. 

She is trying to survive at the good old boys club of an institution that was never designed to hold her experience. Racism and sexism were tools of the institution before she came and reinforced them, and now she cannot see how her survival strategies hurt others. 

I can accept where she is and work around her.

As BIPOC people in multiracial organizations, there are many barriers to thriving in your work - systems set up to benefit wealthy white men, extra scrutiny on your every move, and unconscious racial bias and hostility. To work in a multiracial organization is to traverse a mine field, where you never fully know who might explode at you or why. You can travel the same path with someone twice, the first time unharmed and the second time you emerge bruised and exhausted.

To thrive in an organization where your voice is ignored or discredited requires an ability to love yourself across time. To love your past self that led you to a situation where you’ve been hurt. To love your future self who has learned new skills from difficult experiences and does not accept every injustice. To love your present self enough to see the choices before you.

Because there’s a choice: to challenge a barrier before you or to accept a barrier as something that can be worked around. One must begin by remembering the choice. Strong strategy is built on choices about where to focus energy. 

No choice or strategy is perfect. Embracing imperfection allows love to flow through your complexity and challenges white supremacy culture. What is the imperfect choice you want to make today to love yourself?

Forgive Yourself

I forgive myself for the ways I don’t feel Black enough.
I forgive myself for the moments I gave white supremacy a pass.
I forgive myself for the ways my existence in this racist system helps prop it up.

To be a BIPOC person in a predominately white organization is to live in tension. Your existence is both a challenge to the white domination and an excuse that the organization is already doing enough to challenge racism.

But other people’s expectations do not have to decide how you move forward. They will want you to read the right books, to know the right words to say, to tell the fmily reunion stories the way they remember them, and to be quiet when they want you to listen.

You walk in a lineage of survivors, who have been surrounded by a legion of critique. This bind has held many forms from house slaves to President Barack Obama.

Release any responsibility to change history, and choose how you want to live in history’s wake. Forgiveness is a practice of letting go, of releasing that which does not serve us, so that we can tend to what’s important in our lives.

I forgive myself for all the ways I did not push for change.
I forgive myself for the ways I did push for change that did not come.
I forgive myself for not being who they want me to be.
I forgive myself for not always being who I want me to be.

I wish for you the freedom of choice. To choose what work you want to take on — and just existing in some organizations may be enough work. Define what is your work — challenging racism may be a part of it, but racism is a broken system that you alone are not responsible for fixing.

To thrive as a BIPOC person in a multiracial organization, requires an ability to forgive oneself for being stuck in the bind. You will never be enough for all white people. You will never be enough for all BIPOC people. So what would it look like to be enough for yourself?

Song medicine

I woke up sore. My body creaky - a sign that I had fallen off my regular movement practice. Throughout the day I found myself giving energy, joy, and reflection to everyone but myself. And the more I gave, the more requests that came to me.

Soon I found myself depleted. So I turned to listen to my heart, which led me over to the piano, where I played and sang. That was the medicine I needed. 

Song is medicine that has been passed down through my family. And song is a medicine that many of our peoples have known across time. 

How does song medicine change your breathe? 

The beat moves into my breathe, opening me to the music as it replenishes me.

When do you take it?

Intentional absorption daily decreases risk for depletion, and increases my immune systems ability to reject b.s.

What medicines can I combine with it?

A quiet stillness or an inspired dance can be some of the best additives to song medicine.

As a healer, I listen to people and organizations identify their ailments, and then we use a mix of medicines aka modalities to unearth and identify a response that re-centers their vulnerability and power. One underestimated medicine is song.

What is a song that is singing in your soul? What color does it bring to mind? How does it affect your breath? 

If you don’t have a song, this is my prescription to you: find one. Ask friends to send you songs that make them think of you. Turn your music player on shuffle and listen for the song that makes you pause. 

When you find the song, let the music lead you where you need to go. Follow and feel the sounds in your body. Breathe it in, and let it move you toward your healing.

Stretches to Stay in the Revolution

In revolutionary moments, the beauty happens right alongside the messiness. Just like when it rains and mud flies around, from the muddy mess new life emerges. So I have three stretches to get tend to your physical body while also being present in revolutionary moments.

You can do these sitting or standing, adapt them to feel good in your body. 

As you start, give yourself the intention to open up your heart. Then stretch your arms up and out wide, to accept all that is present in this moment. As you spread your arms, no need to push your shoulders up, just let your heart area be open and breathe. 

Welcome the winds of change in the air. Remember what you’ve seen happen that feels different, the beautiful and the messy, as you stretch up and breathe.

Now time to roll back our sleeves because we're in this for a long journey. Bring your hands down, intertwine your fingers together, and then stretch them forward with the palms facing out. Stretch your wrists out because much of organizing work happens on computers and phones. 

Hands and wrists are busy these days, so switch the way your fingers are intertwined and push out again through your wrists. And remember to breathe, because, friends, we still got more to do in the world. We need to help our bodies be ready for what’s next. 

So let your fingers uncurl and roll your shoulders back, just a little bit, and then the final stretch is a reminder to rest. Slowly drop your chin toward your chest and let your head rest. You can choose to move your head to the left and right, stretching your neck. Or you can just pause and rest with your head down.

I come from a family who knows how to work hard, sometimes to our own detriment as a way to survive racism and classism. You may work hard for those you love, and I invite that fierce sense of giving to join with a strong commitment to your own sustenance through the journey. The long view is how we make a revolution.

Altering the Timeline

The Appetizer

I walked up to the march only a few minutes before everyone arrived at Malcolm X Park. The chants of “Black Lives Matter” and “Black Trans Lives Matter” were echoing through the streets, and I could tell that people had been going for hours because the drum rhythms were picked up in the chants, polyrhythmic music made in real time.

This is my neighborhood. The place where I’ve been called slurs and had objects thrown at me. This is the park where I had my first surprise birthday party. This is the street where my father got shoes as a child.

I metabolize this moment by altering the timeline, letting myself believe that my present time can also be my future. That these chants will echo off the trees for years to come. And that I get to celebrate while having attention toward the long haul.

The Long Haul

Cultural moments when streets are painted with Black Lives Matter and Confederate statues are removed do not give people jobs, change economic inequality, or get anyone released from prison, but they do alter the timeline of what we believe is possible.

Recognizing an alteration in the timeline is critical for time travelers aka organizers for justice because these aberrations reveal that our goals are not just dreams. Our goals are realities in present time that we are working to make more visible to all.

Like with any food that can nourish us, these cultural moments only give us nutrients when we choose to slow down and metabolize them. Have you ever heard someone say, “Well when I was at the March of Washington.” That is a person remembering and still gaining nourishment from their experience during a cultural moment.

The Main Course

“This is my story, this is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long.”

Listening to Monica, a Black trans woman sing her heart out, dedicating her song to Dominique Rem’mie Fells, a Black Trans Woman who was murdered, with Rem’mie’s family standing near by refines the narrative inside me.

Black Trans Lives Matter.
Black parents do love their children.
Black people get to grieve in public.

We get to hold each other as we grieve.
We get to see each other as we chant.
We get to pause, cheer, and soak in the song.

In this moment, we know whose voices are centered. We get to hear a Black Trans voice sing in Malcolm X Park, not letting Malcolm get frozen in the timeline. Letting his memory and awareness grow so that we can accept his love and support in this moment.

Dessert

Capitalism teaches to consume cultural moments, chewing, swallowing, and excreting quickly without digesting. But to metabolize these cultural moments, find a way to remember them in the present: share a story so that the timeline doesn’t default to what it used to be.

As I walk away from Malcolm X Park away, I get honked at on the street. The targeted sound is familiar in West Philly, but it’s this woman in her car seeing me and my partner, cheering for us. Can life can get this sweet? Can I let myself not need to jump when the car horn beeps. I try to think too far ahead, until I remember the alternate timeline. Then I relax and say, “Yes for now.”

Rooting in Relationship

Racial justice requires conscious action, and in a high pressure moment, people easily slip into unconscious action. In a moment when Black Lives Matter is the dominant media narrative and communities are talking about police abolition, I have a flurry of texts, phone calls, and emails from white friends and colleagues. They all sent me messages of care, but most of them missed a crucial step - rooting in relationship.

Here are some tips for BIPOC and white people to root in relationship and thrive in whirlwind moments.

If you are trying to be an ally or an accomplice to anyone, I invite you to reflect on your relationship with a person before you jump to be an ally or accomplice. Think about how do you usually connect with this person. 

For example, one of the people who reached out to me said “Hey. Here are a couple things I can offer to support you: I could write you a note, send you a song, or I could do nothing because responding to this email may be too much.” All of these options were rooted in our relationship, because we usually communicate in writing or music. 

Offers for support that are rooted in relationship can build up energy, because the they are centered in a spirit witness: “I see you. I’ve been seeing you. And I will continue to show up for you.” We can make change happen when we remember our relationships the people at our sides who are here to help us.

For those of us who have experiences in societal systems where we're used to being the ones pushed down, the ones shrank, the ones ignored, the ones who often hear, “Oh, I forgot you." For those of us who live in that part of societal systems, I

want to invite us to remember to anchor into our values, into what matters to us. In moments of high chaos, we can get pulled into many different directions and get lost in the flurry. 

One practice I offer is a simple daily practice. At the beginning of the day just sketch out two, three, maybe five goals for yourself that are not limited to your work. Add goals that express the values that you want to focus on in the day. Then at the end of the day go back to this goal list, and see what feels good that you achieved.

When you’re flooded with external expectations, you don't have to go into a shame spiral for not doing what people want. Returning to your values is part of dismantling an unjust system. The goals you, set can remind you of your divinity, your power, your grace, your wonderfulness.

I invite each of us who knows the experience of being oppressed, of being shrank, of being part of a social structure that we disagree with to make choices daily about how are we showing up for ourselves, our values, and the change work that we believe is possible.

Connectivity Builds Community

Remember our collective power. When we come together we can achieve so much more than any of us alone. 

I was talking with an entrepreneur and her business was spiraling because of the pandemic, yet what she did to anchor her business was to bring other people with her toward success. She welcomed new leaders to stabilize her livelihood , because together we can grow.

That is caring for each other. That is finding stabilization together. 

Most problems are rarely individual problems and yet many of us were taught to see individual action as the best means for change. 

Have you ever told yourself,  “I have to figure this out. I need to know.”  

If so, pause now and say: "I honor my self, and I stay open.” 

Water so wide we could not get over
That’s when we found our wings

During the first meeting for a new team, I shared an honest response that was uncomfortable for me. And then new teammates slowed down with me for a moment. In that moment we showed that we can be there for each in the discomfort.

When you can be in the hard stuff together by choice, then it's easier to be in the hard stuff when you're facing a challenging situation. That's what brings a team together.

Who is a person you want to invite more fully into your life? Let them know you a little more. What's one thing you might share with them to carry you together through these times?

Listen to Your Advice

Think about that advice that you invite others to hear, but that’s hard to hear from yourself. When you're running and running and running through the day, try to listen to that advice. 

I love to tell people to slow down, to take a break, and to ease up on things a little more, but then when it comes to me, I just keep going and going and going and going... But sometimes I get exhausted from moving at a pace that doesn’t support my most quality work.

Recently, after my fifth Zoom meeting of the day, I just passed out for five minutes. Face down, on the bed, I didn’t have anything else to add to the world except for my unconscious breathing. But that little five-minute nap allowed me to be better quipped to be present in my next meeting, where I could notice and name when I didn’t have an answer instead of rushing to find a temporary answer. That rest helped me to stay in the shape that I want to be in, not just the panicked shape that I know how to get into. 

So my invitation for you today could be, “go take a nap, rest, and do that self-care thing.” Rather I invite you to think about that piece of advice that you, yes you, give to everyone else. I want to invite you to try that advice out yourself, cause the care you give is often the care you need.

What you share with the outside world, bring it back to yourself, because if we want to help other people, we need to be helping ourselves as well. Otherwise, we're gonna keep giving until our well is dry. When we take our own advice, we can give from a full well, where we have abundance for ourselves and for everyone else.

Finding agency in art

Anchoring in your agency is a way to not get caught in despair. Despair is an emotional pit that swallows people and leaves them feeling hopelessness.  One way to help people out of the pit of despair is to remind them of their agency through art. 

During the COVID-19 pandemic, people are losing many of the societal signals of freedom — regular jobs, connection with loved ones, and being able to leave the house. When faced with multiple obstacles, despair can seem like the only option. Feeling the sadness, fear, anxiety, and other strong emotions is important, and people need ways to not get stuck.

When mourning the death of my Aunt Na, who died during the physical distancing days of COVID-19, I sank more into despair each day. Then I remembered the time she tried to teach me piano. She was a church pianist and never used sheet music, which I baffled my mind at 10 years old. A few days after her passing, I went down to my piano, put aside the sheet music, then made up songs, sang, and felt my emotions flow through me. 

Art helps people process emotions, imagine beyond their present circumstance, and experience the creation of something new in the present the present moment.  To dream of what is possible, is a way of remembering that we can transform our present circumstance.  

Between zoom calls, I am pulled to make art. Amid despair, creating art is a way that people can remember their humanity because creating asks you to make choices, to remember your ability to make a choice, and then to release the binary labels of good and bad. A choice can be just a choice, and anchoring in that  wisdom helps with the first steps out of despair. 

How are you tapping into the power of art amidst grief and despair?

Be a friend to yourself

“When you walk through a storm hold your head up high…”

Some days that feels so much easier said than done. Sometimes we can feel ourselves moving through the world in a way that we're proud exudes the love and radiance that we want to share with the world. And other days that feels a little harder.

I had one of those weeks where I was weighed down everyday and I was drowning in sadness. At one point I curled into myself, I contracted my body physically, just because it felt like too much. And in that moment luckily a bell rang in my head and I started a conversation with myself:

“Remember there is more than one part of you.”

Then I responded, “What?! More than one part of me? What do you mean more than one part of me?”

“Matthew remember there are parts of you that actually see the hope and see you surviving through this moment. Don't forget.”

“Are you really sure?” “Yes, Matthew, absolutely.”

I slowed down to look at myself and talk with the part of me that holds hope. The part of me that remembers that things are possible.  The part of me that is generative even in the midst of despair.

And you have those different parts of you too. We all have multiple parts of ourselves. That's why sometimes when we're scared it's hard to remember that things could be okay.

You can notice your different parts when you get scared in a familiar situation. For example, when you're going down a street in a neighborhood where you know the houses and the people, but the part of your brain remembers those people can't always be heard. All you notice is the fear and nervousness.  

In those moments, you can slow down to actually have a conversation with specific parts of yourself.

“Walk on walk on with hope in your heart.”

That hope is the part of you that remembers that you are surviving, that you are making it, even in the hard times. And when you remember that you will never be alone.

I'm Matthew Armstead facilitating groups and justice-seeking people to integrate art and healing practices into your strategies and ways of working to transform this world. 

Today, spend a little bit of time in conversation with the hopeful place within yourself - even if it's a moment while you're brushing your teeth and you give yourself a smile.

Asé

Dog lessons on endings

”The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup, I say a little prayer for you.”

I start every day with a prayer then a meditation before coming into the day. This gives attention toward how I begin my days. You may also have a morning routine, but how do we tend to our ending?

It's important to think about endings to complete a process to maximize your sense of completeness. Sometimes that's us starting to pay attention to our loved ones who are getting older and who may die. 

A place to start tending to endings is by looking at the endings in front of you right now. That's the practice that helps us be with the bigger endings of life. 

My dog teaches me about endings. For example, when I finish video calls she just jumps up and runs to the door. I, on the other hand, I can get caught up sitting at the computer and not leave for a while. While sitting, I get stuck and suddenly it doesn't feel like my call has ended.

This really weighed me down last week, when I taught a class and I had my negative self judgments rolling and rolling around in my head. So I followed my dog’s lead, I jumped up and ran downstairs to talk with my partner.

Then I did something that has been a useful ending practice for me: I light a fire either inside or outside. That time it was a fire outside in the backyard, other times it's inside with a candle.

I invite you also to think about how you are tending to your endings these days. What are the endings in your life that need a little bit more attention? If it’s your workday, do you want a little chime to ring as you mark the end. Or maybe a little journaling at the end of a conversation with a friend. 

Tend to those endings because those are excellent moments of practice for us to be able to tend to the larger transitions in our life.

Grounding: Activate your senses

A way to get grounded is to tend to your senses. Focusing on one sense at a time, can slow your brain chatter while opening up your perception to what’s in front of you. This is a practice you can do alone, or one that can enhance your connection with other people.

During a pandemic inspired home performance, I experienced the grounding power of my senses. The invitation email's instructions said:

“Before you click the link to join, turn on the tub or shower to get the room nice and steamy. Get something that smells pleasing to you. And also, have a piece of chocolate or something sweet nearby. No need to look at the screen. So after you click the link, turn off the lights and enjoy.” 

As I scrambled to get everything ready, my mind raced with frustration about my day, but when the smell of incense hit my nostrils, and started craving a slower internal pace. By the end of the performance, I could feel the moisture on my skin, the salty taste in my mouth, and a relaxed feeling that I’ve come to associate with a break from screen time.

My senses were activated, my internal grounding was clear, and for the rest of the night, I was able to move with appreciation and care for myself and the world around me.

Activating your senses is a way to slow down brain chatter and bring you into the present moment. The axiom “stop and smell the roses” offers real wisdom on how to get the most out of life. Being present in the moment supports you to make decisions that benefit you now and into the future. 

With hours of video calls and physical distancing, how are you activating your senses and the senses of people you love? Sharing recipes, flower seeds, and homemade crafts are all ways you can have a shared sensorial experience with others. Whose someone you want to share a sensory experience with across the distance?

Groups provide a mirror

You become most familiar with your own challenges and personal growth work, that’s why you are able to clearly see similar issues in other people. When facilitating groups, the people in your group's can act like a mirrors, showing you the parts of yourself that you do and do not want reflected back. The best way to deal with the parts of yourself that you don’t want to see is to stop trying to change the group, and tend to your own growth.

One way to notice you need to do your own work is to get yourself a friend who will notice when you disappear. When preparing to teach a new course  on navigating chaos, imposture syndrome hit me hard. As it tried to hide my feelings, my co-facilitator Erva Baden caught me and helped me through. 

Hiding from feelings of inadequacy is a reaction to fear that can creep in during chaotic times. Tending to this fear is key to your personal growth and the growth of your groups. 

When you tend to your growth - or innerwork - you can better help others through similar content. So we used a well tried practice for approaching fear: (1) name the fear out loud, (2) feel it, and (3) move yourself (often with support) slowly into a new state.

I named my fear of being ill equipped to help our facilitation team well, helped my brain open up to the things that have worked. I saw how being ill equipped for the moment is a theme for people in chaos. My work was definitely connected to the workshop content.

But then my body started to contract and collapse because the fear felt so big. So to help my body enter a new state, I took the words from  a familiar song, “I am Open” by Holly Near, and used them to help me scan and clear my chakras.

I am Open (Root Chakra)
And I am Willing (Sacral Chakra)
For to be hopeless  (Solar Plexus)
Would feel so strange. (Heart Chakra)
It dishonors those who go before us. (Throat Chakra)
So lift me up (Third Eye)
To the Light of Change. (Crown Chakra)

I slowed down to repeat lines that I didn’t believe, and went through the song a couple times. When I silence and stillness became dominant Erva asked me “How do you feel now?” And “Better” easily fell from my lips.

What’s your personal growth work that you see your groups and communities reflecting back to you?

Loving our neighbors

How do we love our neighbors? When you find ways to extend love to those near you, it becomes easier to extend love and compassion to those with whom you disagree. In polarized time that extension of love gets even harder, but becomes more important for people trying to transform the world.

As I sit in my backyard during quarantine, I talk with my backyard neighbors more than ever. We see each other daily, we pick up groceries to minimize store runs, and share odds and ends across the fences that separate our yards.

These neighbors are not all people I would call friends, but they are the near people who I try to love. To really love them for me means pausing to say hello and be with them. When I pause and prioritize these relationships, I extend myself in love.

It makes me a little extra tired to stop all the time. That’s why I’ve learned to integrate the love work with physical tasks. It’s great to make the neighbor hello a break from weeding the flower beds.

A small extension is practice that helps you love the neighbors who feel further from us, more different, or express views that hurt our sense of justice and truth. Loving can include a belief that a person can change, can be more compassionate, or can act with more concern from the world. I call this agitational love.

When I watched protesters outside state buildings demanding that stay-at-home orders be lifted during the COVID-19 pandemic, I asked how can I love these people. Then I remembers that their jobs also disappeared over night, and in that grief people can try to bargain with whoever they can to make the pain go away. To get to this recognition takes slowing down to recognize someone’s humanity. 

Check your capacity before you try, because when you over extend love can quickly turn to bitterness. Ask yourself, how much capacity to I have to show up for this person. Use your internal barometer as a guide.

When you can extend, then you allow yourself to be surprised by their humanity. With those protesters, I keep remember that I protest and expect better leadership from elected officials. And their protests help me remember that this is a moment where people are looking for leadership and are often getting disappointed. From this place you can start to organize for change.

When you don’t have the capacity to extend yourself, remember that you have a right to set boundaries to keep away what’s toxic from your life. And that doesn’t mean you need to ignore the world that continues around you.  Here’s a prayer to try in those moments.

I love you, and I can feel your pain from here. 

Your pain is righteous, honest, and true. However, the way you express your pain hurts me, so I cannot be with you right now. I still love you, and the best way I can love you is to pray for your pain to end and tell you how much I care.

Prayer is a tool you can use across the distance to help with many things. And when dealing with people who infuriate me, I find prayer can build a healthy boundary that still allows me to love.

I used it with a stranger one summer when I was on the hunt for local produce. As I pulled up to a farmer’s market I  sighed in relief. After zipping past the artisanal eggs and food trucks, I found a small farmer with a tent and two tables.

After picking up some delicious zucchini that conversation lightly turned to politics. “Did you know that Trump appointed the first farmer to head the Dept. of Agriculture in years.” As I noticed my body freeze in shock that I may be talking to a Trump supporter, I focused on breathing and maintaining eye contact.

I wanted to love this farmer, but how could I support a Trump supporter. I listened for another minute then drew a boundary. “Well thanks for the vegetables, and best wishes with this summer season of farming.”

That last part was the beginning of a prayer. I pray for farmers who are hurt by an agricultural system that squeezes small farmers dry. I pray for them to have the strength to get up each morning. May they feel the support of those of us who values their efforts.

That impulse to care is strong. But to fully care, means adding yourself back into the caring equation. How might you care for someone at a healthy distance?